The Tardis..

(above) A Japanese Elementary School child waits for the train that will take him back in time to Prussia.

In the 1800's Japan looked at all the educational systems in the whole, wide world and decided that that the Prussian educational system was best.

I suppose it wasn't such a bad choice when you consider that the whole world wasn't so wide back then and Prussia was relatively close geographically speaking.
Besides, how many different educational systems were there to choose from in the 1800's？

My question is this:

200 years have passed. How about a change of uniform？

Whenever I see uniforms like this I expect see a parade of mounted soldiers with well-waxed mustaches, sabres bared and medals glinting in the sun shortly thereafter.

Neil's Ageha pic.

Are You Going To Sc arborough Fair?

Ah..another long winter walk to the station 駅.

The helicopters of the US occupying force are flying overhead; children's conversations cease as I draw near then resume twice as loudly after I've passed by and make me yearn for the days, not so long ago when I didn't understand anything they were saying; and mothers walk by in pairs with their long bench-warming soccer coats and clothed toy-dogs, (neither of which were popular a year ago) casting the foreigner 外人 a weary eye, not knowing or caring that I've probably spent all day teaching their kids.

Ah..sweet Japan 日本.

So every month (or something like that) the Japanese English teachers 先生 choose an English song that the kids sing at the beginning of each class to practice their listening and pronunciation skills.
The song I heard first was "We are the world".

I thought the song was the perfect song for the kids to practice; simple, wordly and easy. And I enjoyed it.

That was the first class of the day of four classes in a row. Four hours later I was..uh..singing a different tune.

I can't even listen to songs that I like 4 times in 4 hours.
This went on for about a month. (I'm not exactly sure. It all fades into a blur)
Naturally, being familiar with the song and a native English speaker, I had the song memorized the second time around, adding to my frustration. But I thought it couldn't get any more uncomfortable.

My first day at the following school the class began to the familiar chords of Cyndi Lauper's (is that how you spell her name? Who cares..) "Time After Time".

Ouch.

By this time the insanity induced by listening to that particular song 4 (sometimes 5 or 6) times a day for 5 straight days (sometimes continuing into the next week) reduced me to looking out the window or pretending to
read a book while I I held in laughter solely because of the strength of my abdominal muscles. "Time After Time" broke me, though, and a few times I broke out in sudden, violent giggle fits that disrupted the entire class. (YOU listen to 40 twelve-year Japanese kids sing that song via reading katakana and see how long you can hold out: "If you faur, I rill catch you; I'r be raiting...time after time.."

You'll never make it past the chorus.

"Time After Time" was followed by Mariah Carey's (is that how you spell her name? Who cares..) "All I Want For Christmas Is You".

I think the only thing in this reality more annoying than Christmas in Japan and Mariah Carey is both of those things occuring simultaneously.

That's a lie.

Listening to the song every day, 3 or 4 times a day, for a week, as sung by a classroomfull of too-cool-for-school Japanese teenagers trying to make it sound worse than it really is at 9 o'clock in the morning...that's worse.

It may as well be your wake-up alarm.

This was followed by John Lennon's (I know how to spell that one) "Imagine", a reprieve at this point, followed by the current song and blog entry title "Do You Know The Way To Scarborough Fair" as sung by Simon and Garfunkle (how many ways can there be to spell "Garfunkle").

In an effort to stay sane I have resorted to researching as much about the song on my cell phone WHILST singing along heartily to keep my mind busy, and as a result I now know more than any mortal who hasn't done a Ph.D. in 17th century European history should about said Fair situated in said town.

For example:

Did you know that parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme are the ingredients in both a medievel love spell AND abortive treatment？ Talk about jilted lovers.

Also have you noticed that two of those herbs are girl's names and two share pronunciation with words of completely different meaning？

I have. And I will take that information with me to my grave.

My next karaoke stint should be a memorable one, as I belt out perfect renditions of the preceeding songs all in a row and proceed to bore everyone with useless trivia about each song in between..

“Little Italy".

In the town of Jiyuugaoka (自由が丘) there is a tiny court of shops and "Italian" restaurants about one third the size of a penalty box called "Little Italy". There's barely enough room to turn around in there but somehow they found room to build a tiny "canal" (really a concqete pond) complete with bridge and gondola.

Yes, that's right.

A gondola.

The thing takes up most of the courtyard and just about all of the "canal".

Banished To Siberia？ Bring Plenty Of Wood..

(Above) A woodworker keeps a fire going to keep warm at his outdoor jobsite near one of my schools. I feel your pain, brah.

I can't remember the last time I was this cold <i>inside</i> a building that had functioning heat.

Now don't misunderstand; I lived in the midwest US for 8 years, so I am no stranger to cold. (You ever try to fall asleep when you're camping in a tent and its -15℃ outside？ Even the water you put <i>inside</i> your 10° sleeping bag freezes.)

I've also worked a lot of jobs where I've had to be cold all day:

Making Christmas wreaths outside in an unheated, wooden shed; in the middle of a Wisconsin winter..with my bare hands..with boughs freshly hemmed and covered in frost.

Delivering furniture up slippery driveways in winter.

Delivering books up slippery driveways in winter.

You know seeing it in print like that makes me realize that I've had much worse jobs than this and shouldn't really complain..

..but the facts remain:

I'm walking down the hall at school and seeing my breath, the only warm room is the staff room and all the teachers wear their winter jackets <i>inside</i>.

Now it's not that the building <i>doesn't</i> have heat, its just that the school doesn't turn it on unless its <i>absolutely necessary</i>.
Define <i>absolutely necessary</i>？

Ok. If 7 or 8 一年先生 (first year students) were found huddled together, dead in a classroom, a meeting might be called to discuss turning the heat on.

I mean I bought a wool sweater to wear when I'm <i>inside</i> the school. I'm wearing it now and I'm <i>still</i> cold.

In the school's defence they are "poor" though.
"Poor" is the word the teachers use. We native English speakers might say that they have a "small budget".
The administrative unit(けん" ken") I work in has smaller schools which basically receive less money whereas, just next door, the ken containing Yokohama gets considerably more money (or so I hear).

Another problem is the Japanese obsession with "changing the air" to let the bad air (warm and full of germs) out, and the good air (germ-free but cold as hell) in. The result is at least three windows being open during any given lesson (and in the hallways), and the ironic situation arising wherein a classroom is nice and warm until teachers and students come in, open the windows and start using it.

I would buy into this "change the air" thing that everyone does so religously a bit more if there were fewer sick people around but that simply is not the case; Japan has more people walking around with the flu than anywhere I've ever been. No matter where you are there's always somebody coughing up what sounds like the most, viscous green phlem.

I actually quit smoking cold turkey just so <i>I</i> wouldn't sound like that.

(Sick people in Japan are also easily identified by their facemasks (which stuck around a long time after SARS left). I call people who wear such facemasks <i>ninjas</i> (myself included)..but that's for a different entry.)

And its so easy to see how so many people get sick here.

Firstly hats (especially my faux beaverpelt midwestern yuuper earflap trapper-in-a-blizzard monstrosity) are not popular; not even in winter.

Secondly, Japanese schnol uniforms are not of the warmest design.

Thirdly, trains. Its not uncommon to have someone on a crowded train <i>cough directly in your face</i> (a salaryman literally <i>oozing</i> disease once coughed in my <i>eye</i>. (I felt like digging my eyeball out with my dirty fingernail and gave serious thought to wearing my snowboarding googles on the train.)

Anyways. I'm gonna try to get warm.

Open 24hrs..sometimes.

Kannai, Japan.

Um..Javol..？

So I'm walking through the train station and that's whem I see it; a Japanese guy in full nazi uniform, complete with swatzika armband, Mauser sidearm, Hitler mustache and important-looking briefcase.

Photo taken on the run..for various reasons.

More products.

The "Cow" soap I had to take a picture of; a mundane name applied to an even more mundane product.

Additionally, I don't really associate cows with cleanliness; I never saw a cow licking itself like a cat in the middle of a field for example.

The others are meals eaten when one is on a diet. I just like the judicious use of the words "slim" and "petite".

The Jodie Foster Dream..

No, its not what you're thinking.

Ok, maybe a little.

But that wasn't the main point of the story.
What I can say is that it involed exams, my alma marta, fake spidermen (spidermans？), a large mansion and (of course) Jodie Foster..

I'm going to try put it into words as a short story. Maybe I'll post it here.

I went to my friend's last night (walking most of the way to clear my head) partially so I could tell someone face-to-face.

Yours Love Boat.

A couple of beauts..

“Sale Season"

Every year, in Japan, shortly after Christmas the "Sale Season" begins.
At this time all the items that seemed so rare and precious during Christmas are sold at nominal discounts that are apparently worth fighting for.

During this time otherwise fragile old ladies (おばさん), whom you would otherwise give up your seat for on the train..maybe, and hitherto apparently dainty and feminine young ladies (that you might have considered introducing to your mother prior to this spectacle) commence pushing and shoving each other for on-sale items.
Some of these on-sale items being "Happy Bags", the contents of which are unknown but are "on sale" for prices that range from anywhere between ¥1000 and ¥50,000. Customers start forming lines (mobs really) before the stores open and they know where everything they want is located beforehand.

Furthermore, TV shows are produced extolling the efforts of these women, as cameramen venture into the fray to record their valiant attempts up close and personal.

A young lady shuffles along with the same suitcase she went to Guam with so that she can carry all her loot. (Actually sometimes the loot is sold with the suitcase so that they have a way to carry it.)

A salesclerk uses a meagaphone to drown out a competing salesclerk a few feet away...who also has a megaphone...who is trying to drown out the competing salesclerk next to her...who also has a megaphone..

"Pirates of the Caribbean" is really big here. How about some pirate bling to add to your booty? (pun intended)

A mountain of leopard skin handbags which I hitherto thought were really rare, seeing that they were previously so expensive and obviously made from real leopard skin.

"Happy bags" (No relation to "Fun bags".)

New Years at Ageha...

So I brought in the New Year at Ageha.
It was my first time there so I didn't know what to expect.
Actually I did know what to expect; long lines and high prices.

I was not disappointed.

Let me show you:
Here's a crappy picture taken with my phone. The entrance gate is just off the picture to the right. If you don't have an advance ticket that's where your line starts. It just goes along that line of trees over to the left and doubles back on itself. The actual entrance to the building is behind the "Absolut Disco" sign. Waiting times of 45 minutes to an hour are not unheard of.


I was lucky. I didn't have an advance ticket, but I was able to procure one outside from some cool Brazilians (thanks guys!) whose friend didn't show up.



So my line was half as long.
Now it was time to find a locker.

Fun.


But then I unknowingly entered the Trini nexus and I went from not seeing or speaking to a Trini in over a month, to getting a call from my mom and meeting a Trini from Diego in the space of 10 minutes. So I went from speaking Japanese to English to "Trini" (I heard one of his friends say "I don't understand a word they're saying.")

The three-stage security check was completed (airport security got nuthin' on Ageha) in a room that looks exactly like this:
Just replace the backwards-speaking midget on the couch with a petite Japanese girl doing pat-downs next to a folding table.

Now you inside Ageha and you probably want to go to the bathroom.








がんばて。(Good luck.)

This is the techno floor.







This is the hip-hop floor





This is the reggae floor. (Of course the smallest, most crowded dancefloor in the club has a pool right in the middle of it. It's like they want you to fall in.) Its also outside...in winter...You don't want to fall in there. Not during winter anyway.

There's also a chill-out room that I couldn't even bother finding.
I had to go to the Ageha wiki page on my cellphone just to know what to look for.

The lines are so long for the drinks (¥700)and food bar that there are machines where you can buy cans of Heineken (¥ (800).

There are lines for those too, of course. At least a ten minute wait at times.

But the thing that struck me the most was how the attitudes differed from room to room:

The reggae floor barely had enough room to breathe, with people threatening to fall into the pool at any minute. I almost fell in and I was in there for a total of about a minute. I know a guy who fell in there was and had to get a new phone.I think one of two things happens;
(1)Someone pushes you in (as was the case with that guy).
(2)There are so many people in the room that you don't see it and walk right into it
(as was almost the case with me)
And, of course, everyone is looking for a crotch or an ass to grind on, resulting in a bit of pushing, scrambling and tension.

The "hip-hop" room (I say "hip-hop" because I really didn't hear any/much real hip-hop in there - just a lot of top 40 rap) was full of thug wannabes trying to act 'hard'.
And, of course, everyone is looking for a crotch or an ass to grind on, resulting in a bit of pushing, scrambling and tension...but at least there's no pool to fall into.

The techno floor was, by far, my favorite. Everyone just dancing and having a good time and no on caring about how much action or play they get, or how good they look. Just people sharing water, gum, mints, whatever they had with each other.
No pushing, scrambling, tension, pool to fall into or temperature in the low teens.

Lots of "Hey, thanks man! I really needed that!" and "Are you ok, dude?". It helped me remember why I like techno crouds more than hip-hop crowds; more real people and fewer posers.

Overall, I had a pretty good time. Even if I did spend more than I wanted to it was worth it for the experience. I probably won't make a habit of it though. It's not really worth going to unless there's a special event, you're spending someone else's money, or you want to be able to say that you've been to Ageha.

"I've been to Ageha. Yaay."